Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I'm almost done reading my um... "bathroom book"

Totally TMI, right? Whatever. We all "go number two" or, as my republican father calls it, "give birth to a democrat" (hilarious, right? Even if you're a democrat, that shit's hilarious. Not my shit, the joke, OMG never mind already, jeeze!!!)

I mentioned a few weeks back I was reading David Cross' book, I Drink for a Reason, and I'm almost finished. In the chapter titled "Things to Do When You Are Bored", one of the many things he recommends is this:

When an employee at a store (the Gap, or anywhere where you are hounded as soon as you enter by someone seeking a commission as supplement to their minimum wage) comes up to you from behind and asks you if you need any help, act completely startled. Jump a bit and say, "Oh! You scared me!" and laugh a little but to yourself. But don't stop laughing. That's the key. Laugh for about a minute and a half, always looking at the employee for some assurance, and then, in as smooth transition as possible, start crying. Cry softly for a minute and then fall to the floor and take a nap, crying yourself to "sleep." Then refuse to leave until someone brings you a glass of warm milk. Buy one sock. Immediately return it.

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